POWER RELATIONSHIPS IN FAMILIES

POWER RELATIONSHIPS IN FAMILIES

          I am the oldest of ten children.  Needless to say, I have been trained to be a boss, had a lot of practice bossing younger siblings, and I enjoy being the boss.  I married a Taurus.  He is truly a stubborn, but silent, bull.  We often clashed with power controls.  Forty-one years have softened both of us a lot.  We have both learned to give and take, listen to each other, and sometimes not get our way.

          A good example recently.  My husband loves to grocery shop (hmmm which can cause problems but we go together because he does love it.)  The other day I decided I was craving tacos.  Off to the store we went to buy the ingredients.  I reached for a head of lettuce where my husband says “don’t we have a bag of lettuce at home?” Me - “no dear, we have a bag of cabbage and kale salad mix.” Hubby - “well isn’t that the same, it is green, you can sprinkle it on.”  Me - “Ummm not really, but if are ok with that, that’s fine.”  

I could tell by his words and stance that he thought buying a head of lettuce was foolish and part of it would eventually rot in the refrigerator.  I did not purchase the head of lettuce and honestly was all right with it. And had I bought the head of lettuce – he would have been fine also.

 NOW – a few years ago it would not have gone that easy.  I would have said “well who is in charge of cooking?  Are you going to tell me how to do my job?”  I would have bought the head of lettuce.  Or possibly he would have made a fuss about it then there would have been hard feelings and all over a head of lettuce.

          Was he trying to boss me?  Not really, he gave his opinion, and I just figured it was ok to honor that view.  For some odd reason, I could have cared less if it was lettuce or cabbage and kale sprinkled on my tacos.  It is wonderful to be at a point where we share our power control, even of little things.  

          So who is the boss in your family?  What type of power relationships do you have in your family?  Below are some excerpts from a talk given by Richard B. Miller, Ph.D. called “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families.”  It was given at a BYU conference on family life in 2008.

Parents are the Leaders in the Family

          “In healthy, well-functioning families, there is a clear hierarchy between parents and children. Parents are the “executive committee” and the “board of directors” of a family.  As with any other leadership position, parents should not be harsh, domineering, or dictatorial, but they are the leaders of the family, and the children need to follow that leadership.”

Parents must be united in their leadership

·       Parents should work together.

·       Parents should not form a coalition with a child against the other parent.

·       Parents support each other in the presence of their children.

·       If parents disagree about parenting issues, discuss it privately.

·       Parents should make decisions that are consistent with each other.

·       Parents should love and respect each other

The parent-child hierarchy dissolves when children become adults.

           This can be difficult to do, but when adult children live with you, it is important they know and honor the rules of the home.  They have appropriate behavior in your home.  But you no longer have the right or responsibility to tell your adult children what to do.  It is now their stewardship to make the decisions for their families.

The marital relationship should be a partnership

“Healthy marriages consist of an equal partnership between husband and wife.”  Power issues predict marital problems such as violence and depression.  The husband’s role as a patriarch is a responsibility to serve his wife and children.  Just like how Jesus served the church.  Decisions should not be made until there is a joint agreement.  

What is the power relationship in your marriage?

Flourishing Families Project School of Family Life

Brigham Young University - Marital Power Scale

How much do you agree with this statement?

Strongly Disagree = 1 ---- Strongly Agree = 5

1. My partner tends to discount my opinion. 1 2 3 4 5

2. My partner does not listen to me. 1 2 3 4 5

3. When I want to talk about a problem in our relationship, my partner often refuses to talk with me about it. 1 2 3 4 5

4. My partner tends to dominate our conversations. 
           1 2 3 4 5

5. When we do not agree on an issue, my partner gives me the cold shoulder. 1 2 3 4 5

6. I feel free to express my opinion about issues in our 
           relationship. 1 2 3 4 5

7. My partner makes decisions that affect our family without talking to me first. 1 2 3 4 5

8. My partner and I talk about problems until we both agree on a solution. 1 2 3 4 5

9. When it comes to money, my partner’s opinion usually 
           wins out.  1 2 3 4 5

10. I feel like my partner tries to control me. 1 2 3 4 5

11. When it comes to children, my partner’s opinion usually wins out. 1 2 3 4 5

12. It often seems my partner can get away with things in our relationship that I can never get away with. 1 2 3 4 5

13. I feel like I have no choice but to do what my partner 
           wants. 1 2 3 4 5

14. My partner has more influence in our relationship 
           than I do. 1 2 3 4 5

15. When disagreements arise in our relationship, my partner’s opinion usually wins out. 1 2 3 4 5

A man and woman learn to be one by “using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around them.”  Henry B. Eyring “That We May Be one” May 1998 (lds.org)