WHAT MAKES A MARRIAGE WORK OR NOT WORK

WHAT MAKES A MARRIAGE WORK

This last week I began a new book called “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M Gottman, PH.D.  So far it has been an excellent book.  I have seen so many things in this book that I am doing wrong.  In fact, after looking at my attitude and my thought process and how I handle our fights, I am surprised my marriage has lasted for 41 years.  Two thought come to me – he is funny and makes me laugh --- and we have a covenant marriage rather than a contract marriage.

There have been many times when I have wanted just to run away.  We have had our ups and our downs and soon will be retirement; which could be a huge up or a huge down, depending on how I handle it.

I wish I had this book many years ago and I encourage all to read it.  Here are my favorites out of the first three chapters.

*****”People who stay married live 4 to 8 years longer than people who don’t.” *****

*****”Even happily married couples can have screaming matches—loud arguments don’t necessarily harm a marriage ...”

What does Make Marriage Work?

Friendship versus fighting

            Have mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company.

            Have Positive Sentiment Override – “This means that their positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings.”  “Once your marriage gets ‘set’ at a high degree of positivity, it will take far more negativity to harm your relationship than if your ‘set point’ were lower.”

            “Their happiness is contingent on their partner’s feelings. They are attuned to each other’s emotions, share an abiding empathy, and have a high degree of trust.”

            Repairs are a happy couple’s secret weapon:  A repair attempt can be anything – it is something that you and your spouse do to de-escalate and prevent the negative from taking over.  For some, it is bringing home flowers, for others a silly reaction.  Humor is what works in our home.  I would explain it, but you would not understand.  To you, it would seem ridiculous – but it works for us.  Find what works for you.

            “In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning.  They don’t just ‘get along’ – they also support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.”

IF YOU WANT A STRONG MARRIAGE DO NOT FALL INTO THESE TRAPS

1.     Harsh start-ups – When you begin a discussion or argument do not let it immediately become negative and accusatory.

2.     The Four Horsemen

a.      Criticism – A complaint focus on a specific behavior or event.  A criticism expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality.

b.     Contempt – A sense of superiority over one’s partner.  It is a form of disrespect.  Sarcasm and cynicism are types of contempt.  So is name-calling, eye-rolling, mockery, and hostile humor.  Contempt is poisonous to a relationship because it conveys disgust.  Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about your spouse.

c.      Defensiveness -  A way of blaming your spouse.  You are taking the innocent victim stance.  It is a way of escalating the conflict. 

d.     Stonewalling – When one of you tunes out or disengages. 

3.     Flooding – a spouse stonewalls as a protection against feeling psychologically or physically overwhelmed.  This is a sensation called flooding.  Kind of like being shell-shocked.

4.     Body Language – Physical reactions such as the heart speeding up, hormonal changes occur, secretion of adrenaline, the ‘fight or flight response’ kicks in, or the blood pressure goes up.

5.     Failed Repair Attempts – This is the efforts the couple makes but the spouse does not notice them. 

These are the 4 final stages that signal a marriage is almost over –  

1.     You see your marital problems as severe.

2.     Talking things over seem useless.  You decide to solve your problems on your own.

3.     You lead parallel lives

4.     Loneliness has set in.

So avoid these stages – if you see yourself in one of these stages – get the book and work on getting yourself out.  All marriages can be repaired.  Take it one step at a time.  

Next week I will be posting about Principle #1:  Enhancing your love map.

Talks:

Nuturing our Marriage by Russell M Nelson 

The whole talk is good BUT you can skip to 5:54 which starts about love in our marriage. 

Videos

Gottman interview with Anderson on Criticism & Contempt

Gottman interview on Defensiveness and Stonewalling with Anderson

Examples of the 4 Horseman (Gottman)

What is the Gottman Love lab?

ETERNAL MARRIAGE

ETERNAL MARRIAGE
 

My parents joined the church when I was a little girl.  Still, to this day, I remember the day I went to the Temple and was sealed to my parents.  I remember the little white shoes I wanted to wear but were too big, so I wore just socks on my feet.  I remember the old lady that was babysitting me.  I remember the dolls I played with and the elevator ride.  They were not ready for us yet, so we rode up and down and up and down until they were.  Even though I was young, I knew of the seriousness of that day.  From that day forward I committed to marrying only a return missionary and only in the temple.  I would be the first in my line to do just that.

Marrying in the temple meant I did not have very many family members in the sealing room.  Grandparents, aunts and uncles, all waited outside of the temple.  Even with that I never wavered in my decision.  This coming May I will have been married 42 years.  I feel as strong as ever that the Temple is the place to get married.

COVENANT MARRIAGE VS CONTRACT MARRIAGE

Elder Bruce C. Hafen gave an excellent talk on ‘Covenant Marriage’ versus ‘Contract marriage.’

“When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away.  They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for.  But when troubles come to a covenant marriage the husband and wife work them through.  They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God.  Contract companions give 50 percent; covenant companions give 100 percent.”

JUST A FEW RANDOM THOUGHTS ON WHY MARRIAGE
 

Two compelling doctrinal reasons help us to understand why eternal marriage is essential to the Father’s plan.  (by David A. Bednar)

1.     The natures of male and female spirits complete and perfect     each other, and therefore men and women are intended to progress together toward exaltation.

a.      For divine purposes, male and female spirits are different, distinctive, and complementary.

b.     The unique combination of spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional capacities of both males and females were needed to implement the plan of happiness.  Alone, neither the man nor the woman could fulfill the purposes of his or her creation.

c.      The man complete and perfects the woman and the woman completes and perfects the man as they learn from and mutually strengthen and bless each other.

2.     By divine design, both a man and a woman are needed to bring children into mortality and to provide the best setting for the rearing and nurturing of children.

a.      Complete sexual abstinence before marriage and total fidelity within marriage protect the sanctity of this sacred channel.

b.     A home with a loving and loyal husband and wife is the supreme setting in which children can be reared in love and righteousness and in which the spiritual and physical needs of children can be met.

c.      Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. 

VIDEOS

 

Covenant Marriage talk by Bruce C Hafen

"Another bride signed blissfully on her wedding day. 'Mom, I'm at the end of all my troubles!' 'Yes,' replied her mother, 'but at which end?'"

DEFENDER OF MARRIAGE

As a Disciple of Jesus Christ I stand up and Defend Marriage

Marriage is under attack all around us and the more marriage fails the more the family fails and the more the family fails the more society struggles.

Marriage is an essential part of our society, of our personal happiness, and our eternal happiness.

1.  Marriage links the man to the woman and the woman to the man.

      You should be best friends, always there for each other.

2.  Marriage links parents to children.

     Too many children today live in single or step parent homes.  Children need strong intact homes to help them feel secure, to help them become good strong adults,  to help them form lasting bonds when they grow up.  Many of the ills of society can be cured within the home.  Many children who struggle in life today come from dysfunctional homes.  Make our homes strong and our children will be strong.

3.  Marriage is linked to the sacred power of procreation.  

4.  Strong families pass on to future generations the moral values and strengths to sustain a healthy civilization.  When the family is strong the community is strong.  When the family is strong our schools are strong.

5.  The family is ordained of God.

      The family is central to the 'Plan of Happiness.'  We have been sent on this earth to be tried and tested.  Families can be a great source of strength.

In my older years I stand strong against -

  Cohabitation

  Having children out of wedlock

  Divorce other than in cases of abuse or infidelity

I have seen each of these things wreck havoc in our society.  Our children are suffering.  As a nation we need to all stand up and support strong marriages and strong families.

Readings

Disciples of Jesus Christ: Defenders of Marriage. Nelson 

 Websites to follow

Protecting Marriage: Heritage Foundation

 

National Organization for Marriage 

Videos

Stand up and Defend Marriage

World Congress of Families

Obergefell vs Hodges

DEFENDING OUR FREEDOM TO GOVERN OURSELVES

Legalizing same-sex marriage has been a very hot topic for several years now.  When the Supreme Court ruled in favor of same-sex marriage I assumed that most voted in favor and those that voted against was against same-sex marriage.

ACTUALLY this is much more complicated than that.  After studying both sides of the measure I stand with Scalia, Thomas, Roberts and Alito and here is why.

Chief Justice Roberts said it perfectly in his dissent:


“It is not about whether, in my judgment, the institution of marriage should be changed to include same sex couples.  It is instead about whether, in our democratic republic, that decision should rest with the people acting through their elected representatives, or with five lawyers who happen to hold commissions authorizing them to resolve legal disputes according to law.” 

     “When decisions are reached through democratic means some people will inevitably be disappointed with the results. But those whose views do not prevail at least know that they have had their say, and accordingly are, in the tradition of our political culture, reconciled to the result of a fair and honest debate.  In addition, they can gear up to raise the issue later, hoping to persuade enough on the winning side to think again.  ‘That is exactly how our system of government is supposed to work.’  But today the Court puts a stop to all that.  By deciding this question under the Constitution.  The Court removes it from the realm of democratic decision.  There will be consequences to shutting down the political process on an issue of such profound public significance.  Closing debate tends to close minds.  People denied a voice are less likely to accept the ruling of a court on an issue that does not seem to be the sort of thing courts usually decide...’The political process was moving...not swiftly enough for advocates of quick, complete change, but majoritarian institutions were listening and acting.  Heavy-handed judicial intervention was difficult to justify and appears to have provoked not resolved conflict.”

Scalia:

 “who it is that rules me...Today’s decree says that my Ruler and the Ruler of 320 million Americans coast-to-coast, is a majority of the nine lawyers on the Supreme Court...This practice of constitutional revision by an unelected committee of nine...robs the People of the most important liberty they asserted in the Declaration of Independence and won in the Revolution of 1776, the freedom to govern themselves.”  

Thomas:

"The Court's decision today is at odds not only with the Constitution but with the principles upon which our Nation was built.  Since well before 1787, liberty has been understood as freedom from government action, not entitlement to government benefits.  The framers created our Constitution to preserve that understanding of liberty.  Yet the majority invokes our Constitution in the name of 'liberty' that the Framers would not have recognized, to the determent of the liberty they sought to protect...by straying from the text of the Constitution, substantive due process exalts judges at the expense of the People from whom they derive their authority...Aside from undermining the political process that protect our liberty, the majority's decision threatens the religious liberty our Nation has long sought to protect..."


The problem that most of us have, including myself, is we understood, or thought we understood, what was going on by listening to the media.  Instead it is our responsibility to read both sides of the story then come up with our own opinion of how we feel.


After studying and reading both sides  I believe this is an issue that belonged within the states, debated within the states, and decided within the states.  This is a decision that should be decided between us as people and not by nine judges.

The worry about this decision is what will the Supreme Court decide on next?

Day by day our freedoms are being taken away.  Will our religious freedoms be next?

Reading

 Obergefell v. Hodges Court case