SOLVE YOUR SOLVABLE PROBLEMS
Every marriage is a union of two people who bring into it their values, traditions, personality quirks, and opinions. My hubby and I are two such people. I am an open rebellion; he is a silent rebellion. I am very conservative in politics; he is moderate. You know where I stand; you never know where he stands. (I will digress for a moment and tell a funny story about that)
We had a full year Japanese exchange student. Towards the end of the year, my boys ask Ryuske “who are you more scared of, mom or dad?” He answers immediately “mom” where he shows with his hand movements that I bawk bawk bawk bawk. The boys looked surprised and said “really?” – then he said, “Oh wait I think --- no dad --- because I never know what he is thinking and that scares me.”
Back on subject --- I have always envied those marriages where both partners are so alike because I am sure there is much less conflict. Strong personalities can and do bring conflict into a marriage – but the trick is to know how to handle those conflicts so they don’t destroy us.
There are two types of conflict in marriage:
Perpetual problems & Solvable Problems
Perpetual problems - Conflicts that a couple will deal with over and over again throughout their marriage.
69% of marital conflicts fall into this category. Just because it is perpetual does not mean you can’t still have a very satisfying marriage. It honestly depends on how the couple handles the problem.
We have one of these – It is the sheets on our bed. I don’t know what my husband does at night, but the blankets and sheets are half way off of the bottom of the bed, and it gets worst if the bed is not made daily. So part of the problem is my fault because (since I started going back to college) I do not make the bed daily. When my hubby goes to bed, I expect him to pull it up tight then crawl into bed. He doesn’t. If this goes on for several days, you will find him sleeping on the bottom half of the bed with ¾ of the sheets and blankets puddled on the floor. (He has to sleep in a ball otherwise his feet would hang off of the bed). Sometimes I have done the ignoring thing and let it go for several nights. Each night he is lower and lower on the bed. Do you get the picture?
Most of the time I come into bed and become angry. I rip the blankets off of his sleeping body, order him to move up, and fix them. I threaten that I am going to buy my own bed and he can just sleep in his own mess; without me. Where he responds “oh please don’t, I would be a cold little old boy.” or “You’re such a good wife to me, what would I do without you,” in his little baby voice. I know he is just playing with me but it works and most nights it defuses the whole situation.
Do you have one of those?
In Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” he talks about these problems and how to solve them.
A perpetual problem is a BIG problem when there is gridlock ---
Signs of gridlock -
a. The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.
b. You keep talking about it but make no headway.
c. You are unwilling to budge.
d. When it is discussed, you are more frustrated and hurt.
a. The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner.
b. You keep talking about it but make no headway.
c. You are unwilling to budge.
d. When it is discussed, you are more frustrated and hurt.
aWith our sheet/blanket problem. I don’t feel reject by my partner because he is just --- I don’t know --- he just doesn’t think. He is ready for bed and he crawls into bed.
bI do keep talking about it without any headway
cI am unwilling to budge
dBecause of hubbies reaction – I may get frustrated – but I don’t get hurt. I just go to bed thinking he is my ‘weirdo’ and his mother should have taught him better. (I have to say that when I ‘plop’ into bed, irritated – he rolls over and hugs me and says in a squeaky little voice, “please don’t be made at me” where he promptly falls back to sleep. So how can you get too mad?)
Solvable problems
Relatively more simple, but can still cause a great deal of pain.
Our sheet problem could be a solvable problem, but it is perpetual because it has persisted for many many years. But – here are some ways on how to handle solvable problems and disagreements. You will see how I do not do #1 and how my hubby does #2 and because hubby does #2 I end up doing #5 (kind of)
How to handle a disagreement:
1. Soft startup
2. Effective use of repair attempts.
3. Monitor your physiology during tense discussions for signs of flooding.
4. Learn how to compromise.
5. Become more tolerant of each other's imperfections.
Soften your Start-up
I think coming in and ripping the blankets off of my husband would be considered a harsh start-up (especially when he is sound asleep)
A soft startup is approaching a subject in a softer way. Instead of ripping off the blankets in anger, I should quietly and carefully pull up the sheets and blankets, put them around him carefully and try not to wake him up. If he does maybe I say something like “I want you to be comfortable in bed, so I’m fixing the blankets for you.” with a kiss on the cheek.
I am lucky my harsh start-ups do not begin the cycle of the four horsemen.
A few ideas
· Complain but don’t blame
· Make statements that start with “I” instead of “you.”
· Describe what is happening. Don’t evaluate of judge
· Be clear about your positive need
· Be polite
· Be appreciative
· Don’t store things up
Learn to Make and Receive Repair Attempts
This is how you respond or what you do to say you are sorry. Here is a great chart of ideas of what to say or do.
Monitor your physiology during tense discussions for signs of flooding.
Conflicts can trigger flooding. When this occurs, you feel overwhelmed both emotionally and physically. Then you think not such good thoughts. Maybe you become indignant or play the victim role. Whatever you do, your body is in distress.
If you feel flooded – take a 20 minutes break – then come back to the discussion. Avoid thoughts of righteousness indignation or innocent victimhood. Do something soothing like listening to music, taking a walk, meditation, or reading.
Compromise
Compromise is the only way to solve marital problems. Negotiate and find ways to accommodate each other. Often compromise is just a matter of talking out your differences and preferences in a systematic way.
“Your future can be bright even if your disagreements tend to be
very negative. The secret is learning the right kind of damage control.” ~Gottman
In the end, all of this ties into forgiveness. Forgiving ourselves and forgiving our spouses. We can learn tools on how to communicate or what we should do with this or that, but if we are not willing to humble ourselves and offer forgiveness, all the tools in the world will not work.
