TURNING TOWARDS EACH OTHER OUT OF DESPERATION
Over the years Dave and I had had our ups and downs, our peaks and valleys, and times when we got along well and other times when I wondered if we would survive. Right now we are getting along well. Bear with me as I explain why.
We became empty-nesters a few years ago, but the nest is never empty for long. We move one family out and clean up the garage enough to move a car in, and someone else moves in. Sometimes they have children, sometimes they have little dogs, sometimes they have HUGE dogs, and other times they are newlyweds. Some have stayed for years and others for only a few weeks. Sometimes they help out with expenses and other times they do not (which cause friction). I feel like I live in a home with a revolving door.
The first family that moved in had young children up to teenagers. They took over our house. At first, we butted heads, but soon we both gave up and did the stonewalling thing. When something bothered us, we would just walk away. We hid in our bedroom often - where we had not much to do but talk or read. (I'm a talker so there was a lot of talking). We learned to take off on weekend trips. We found excuses to grocery shop nearly every night of the week (without buying anything). In hind-sight, I see that these times have become blessings in disguise.
During these times, out of pure self-preservation – we grew TOWARDS EACH OTHER. At the time I did not know books were written on the subject. We just did it naturally. We found that as we turned our attentions and focus towards each other, rather than inward towards ourselves, our marriage became more united. (hmmm maybe united in a common enemy, did I say that?)
Gottman in his book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” has a chapter on Turning Towards Each Other Instead of Away.
Here are some key points:
• Couples who engage in a lot of chit-chat typically stay happily married. (They become friends).
• The real secret of turning toward each other is sharing little moments each day.
• Keep your pilots burning by staying in touch in the little ways.
• There’s deep drama in the little moments.
• Be aware of how crucial mundane moments are.
• Being helpful to each other will do far more for the strength and passion of your marriage than a two0week Bahamas getaway.
• Reunite at the end of each day and talk about how it went.
o Allow each partner his turn to complain without judgment. (not about the marriage but instead about work or the day's happenings)
o Don’t give unsolicited advice
o Show genuine interest
o Communicate your understanding
o Take your spouse’s side.
o Express a “we against others” attitude. (we had this one down)
o Express affection
o Validate emotions.
• The more profound your friendship is, the more powerful of a shield you will have against conflict.
• When you honor and respect each other, you’re usually able to appreciate each other’s point of views.
Great Blogs
John Gottman - The Emotional Bank Account
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