TO DIVORCE OR NOT TO DIVORCE - THAT IS THE QUESTION

Going through a divorce is difficult for everyone in the family.  It is difficult for the spouse, the children, friends and the extended family.  Yes I say children, friends, and extended family.

This is my perspective being the child, the friend, and an extended family member.

AS A CHILD

My parents divorced when I was extremely young.  As a young child, I have no memory of my parents being together.  I was blessed with a wonderful 'father' who adopted me, raised me, and took care of me.  Still, I bear the scars and often ask why?  Why did my father not love me; after all I am part of him.  Was money that important to him that he would rather give me up than pay child support?  How could you do that to your own flesh and blood?   It never hit me so strong as it did the day I held my own daughter in my arms.  Well, he did give me up and he did choose to not be a part of my life.  It is his lose.

Studies show that divorce is very difficult on children, especially children who come from low conflict homes.  Children from divorced families experience more cognitive, social and emotional problems, not just as children but also as adults.

In a meta-analysis of 93 studies, Paul Amato found that many children struggle in these areas -

1. Academic - lower grades and lower test scores
2. Conduct - behavior problems and aggression
3. Psychological - depression, distress symptoms
4. Self-esteem - positive feelings about self, perceptions of self-efficacy
5. Peer relations - having close friends, number of friends, and social support from peers
6. Bonding with both mothers and fathers

So you say "I'm divorced already - what can I do to help my children through this hard time?"

1. Reassure your child that they are loved and that divorce is not their fault.
2. Have a cooperative co-parental relationship with your spouse.
3. Help the kids keep contact with their father (or mother).
4. If possible have split custody so the kids have frequent contact with both parents.  If not make sure they have frequent and healthy contact with the nonresident parent.
5. Listen when they kids talk about their feelings.
6. Make sure the children do not witness anger or hostility towards your ex-spouse.
7. Sign up for a class in town that teaches your child how to cope with divorce.

 The good thing about the study is they found that generally the effects are modest rather than strong none-the-less innocent children are hurt.

With time and good support, most kids can make a healthy adjustment to divorce. However, if your child's behavior continues to concern you please consult a mental health professional.

Children of divorce families what can you do?  Become "A TRANSITIONAL CHARACTER."

 “A transitional character is one who, in a single generation, changes the entire course of a lineage. The changes might be for good or ill, but the most noteworthy examples are those individuals who grow up in an abusive, emotionally destructive environment and who somehow find a way to metabolize the poison and refuse to pass it on to their children. They break the mold. They refute  the observation that abused children become abusive parents, that the children of alcoholics become alcoholic adults, that “the sins of the fathers are visited upon the heads of the children to the third and fourth generation.” Their contribution to humanity is to filter the destructiveness out of their own lineage so that the generations downstream will have a supportive foundation upon which to build productive lives.” - Carlfred Broderick (1992). Marriage and the Family. New Jersey: Prentice-Hall (pg 18).

And children of divorce families - don't beat yourself up.  Allow yourself to have feelings - and don't be embarrassed to go and get help if you need it.  There are plenty of books, clergymen, self help groups and therapist ready to help you.

AS A FRIEND

Over the last 60 years of my life I have had my share of friends divorce.  Luckily, most of the time, did not put me in the middle.  BUT I mourn for my friendship we had as families and I mourn for the pain that they and their children have gone through.  As a general rule, divorce happened because one or both partners became selfish and became more worried about their own self rather than the other family members.

What can you do to be there for your friends?

 1.  Hug him/her.
 2.  Don't give advice.
 3.  Visit with them - when newly separated they can be lonely.
 4.  Write them a letter of encouragement.
 5.  Keep their confidences.
 6.  Remember they are under stress so if they say something mean to you let it slide.
 7.  Respect their privacy.
 8.  Include them in social events.
 9.  Don't talk behind their backs.
10.  Do a service project together.

WHEN ONE OF YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS GET A DIVORCE

This is one of the toughest ones, especially when you love and adore both of them. Even tougher yet is when your own family member is the one at fault.  Often, when a family member divorces the rest of the family expects you to give up the friendship with the ex. I don't have any magic secret on how to deal with this other than I stay friends with whom I want to be friends with and I don't flaunt it in anyone's faces. 

The list above should also be practiced with family members who are going through a divorce.

The best piece of advice I have is to just listen and to try to love unconditionally.  I have had family members cross lines they should not have crossed.  I have learned how to disagree with their actions while at the same time love unconditionally.  I think that is the real secret is to know how to love unconditionally without feeling like you have to condone their actions.  I have learned that praying for both the family member and the soon to be ex helps me to keep it in perspective and keep a loving heart.  Praying helps you get in touch with the spirit who then can help you know the right thing to say at the right time or to say nothing at all.

To family and friends who are thinking about divorce here is some advice -

• Think first of the children 
• Get counseling - clergy, bishop, professional therapist
• Work at becoming best friends
• Be kind and considerate to each other
• Be sensitive to each others needs
• Become partners instead of rivals
• Don't treasure up past wrongs
• Forgive
• Pray together
• Tap into the power of the Atonement to heal your relationship
• Go to church together
• Have date night weekly
• Put the kids to bed religiously at 8 pm so you have time together in the evenings.

 Quotes

 "Don't treasure up past wrongs, reprocessing them again and again.  In a marriage relationship, festering is destructive; forgiving is divine. Dallin H. Oaks

"If you are already descending into the low state of marriage-in-name-only, please join hands, kneel together, and prayerfully plead for help and the healing power of the Atonement.  Your humble and united pleadings will bring you closer to the Lord and to each other and will help you in the hard climb back to marital harmony."  Dallin H. Oaks

"Universally, they focused on the fault of the spouse and attributed little responsibility to their own behavior."  Dallin H. Oaks

"As children of God, we have been given the great gift of choice.  We may choose to help, or we may choose to hurt."  Carlfred Broderick

Articles or Blogs

Letting go of Ex's Family may be harder than divorce

5 Mistakes you make when a Brother or Sister gets a Divorce

13 Ways to be a Good Friend to Someone Getting a Divorce

Supporting Friends and Family Through Divorce

Help Your Child Through Divorce

Videos, talks or Clips

Dallin H. Oaks - A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection. Given May 2007

Dr. Phil Explains the Biggest Divorce Mistakes That Impact Kids

Divorce School for Kids - 20/20 CBS